Anger and Forgiveness

Anger is a very powerful and disruptive emotion, especially anger at another person. If it is allowed to brew and manifest itself in your heart and soul, I have found that it eats away at your soul. To hold anger and hate agaisnt someone is a very very unhealthy thing. It is this thing that just sits and brews in your heart, and it really brews very long and hard. While it brews, it destroys alot of things in you that it is good, the capacity to love, your humilty, your patience, your understanding and all the graces of God. It even blocks you from receiving God's Divine Mercy.

I've recently been very angry with a few people, for the past month or so, and I've comed to realised that this anger, resentment , and hate was eating away at my soul. It was making me exhausted, and it was tiring me out, just thinking about it. It limited me to show my love, and understanding towards other people, and slowly I found myself getting obsessed with it, neglecting the beauty of life.

It was commonly said, to err is human to forgive is divine. I have experienced that to received forgiveness is an even more beautiful thing. To receive forgiveness, from anybody, is equivalent to receiving God's mercy. I've experience that God's love, mercy and forgiveness is such a beautiful thing, that I cannot describe. It is this feeling for pure love and contentment.

As I've said, I was angry at a few people recently, and I found it was very unhealthy for me . A priest once told me , that anger leads to hate, which leads you to dispise someone. I went through that journey, and I didn't like it. I decided that enough was enough. If God can show me his Divine Mercy, I will trust in Him to grant me the graces of mercy. I went to the people who I was angry with , not to demand and apology, but to seek their forgiveness. I did not want them to bear the anger and ill will agaisnt me like how I beared it agaisnt them, and I wanted to start the road towards reconciliation. I went to apologise to them for my actions and anger I held towards them .

To me, personally , when I made this decision, and subsequently acted upon it, it brought down barriers that was blocking me from belonging. It allowed me to see the beauty in the person, no matter how much I was angry at that person, and it allowed to realise the challenges that person faces. Yes to forgive is divine, but to receive forgiveness is some thing that words cannot describe !

Spiritual Attacks

It is often said, one of the greatest things the devil has ever done was to make the world believe he doesn't exist. The concept of spiritual attacks and spiritual warfare is relatively new to me, yet by discernment and reflection, I have been able to see the various attacks that the devil does, to distract you from your every day task. Simple matters which ordinarily we'll wave it off as bad luck , or the other person is just being an idiot.

 

It is said that both the devil and God knocks softly at the door. It is true. While God knocks softly and waits to be let in, the devil will not wait. He will find any means and ways to get into your life, either directly or through other means. Temptation and anger are one of the tools that the devil will always use. Simple things such as a driver on the road not giving way, and you are angry at him, allows the devil to manifest his works in your life.

 

In Choice, I've found that the devil will stop at no means,to attack us, as we prepare for the weekend. I've seen that various circumstances on how the devil can attack our lives, as we prepare for Choice. It is actually quite amazing, but you also realize how deceitful his actions can be. It is like someone trying to manipulate your life. I've also learn that prayer is a very powerful weapon agaisn't the devil. It nourishes your soul, letting God into you life. When God is in ever more present in your life, it is even harder for the devil to get in. Subtlely , you will begin to notice  and realise the works of the devil and discern what is right and wrong.

 

I've often listen to the priest, during his homily, that when you love God, you'll eventually despise what is wrong. That is very true. I've also learnt that constant prayer and relationship with God allows you to learn and love him more. He is always there to love you. It is up to you to accept this love. He loves us so much, that He can never force his love unto us. He wants us to give it freely back to him from our hearts, when we are ready to accept Him. The main difference is one will manipulate you in anyways, while God waits for you to let him in. Till then , it is much easier for the devil to knock even louder, and who would you let into your soul ?

Who says God doesn't speak to us !

How many times have we heard people saying God doesn't talk to us. I've heard this many times from friends who say that God is silent in their everyday lives. Yet I think, it is us who choose to ignore Him. We get too caught up in today's rat race , that we failed to see the many times He has approached us, to let us know He is there, watching us, and reaching out to us. I think we are the ones who have built up our barriers, so that we fail to notice when he subtly speaks to us. We tend to expect the booming voice in the sky , or maybe even an email from Him.. but honestly he knows what really speaks to us, and he sends his messenger to us, in ways that works best with us. Only thing is , we do not attribute it to Him , but to selfishly to our friends, or even ourselves when we figured out our problems.

 

I have 2 experience which I can easily say , He spoke to me, to tell me what is important, and to put aside my hurt. Here is my sharing.

 

1. In 2006 , our BEC once again push the burden of organizing our BEC christmas party to the youth. Me being the youth leader, tried to say that we were too busy , but there were some who were so adament that we organize it, because the older BEC members didn't have the time.Despite saying no, it was decided we had to organize it. I was personally too busy during the christmas period, with many things to handle, and events to attend. I was angry at them, on how selfish they were to not listen to us youth, and just to make use of us. I was fuming over this for a few days, particularly angry at a certain person. I attended mass feeling this anger, and when driving back I was still thinking back ,and feeling really angry.

 

All of a sudden, while driving back , I saw a sticker on the car infront of me I have never noticed this particular sticker before, and have rarely seen it. All it said was "Jesus Loves You" . At that moment, i just felt so humble, so ashamed of myself. There I was , feeling sorry for myself, and how unfair I have been treated, that I forgotten, all bout celebrarting the birth of Jesus. I forgot it was all bout the love of Jesus, and I could only think about myself. This message came to me, because Jesus, wanted me to know that He loves me, especially when I was feeling so angry and used. Immediately my anger and resentment dissapeared. I told myself that I am organizing this party for Him, to celebrate His coming. Organizing this party is my service , my sacrifice for him. I can organize parties for my friends, but I grumble when I have to organize one for Him .

 

2. In 2007, after a heated debate in a Church Ministry meeting, I was feeling very angry at a particular person .. I felt that this person, has no idea of what we do in the ministry, but still wants to interfere with our work. He tends to give difficult suggestions, but has never offered to get his hands dirty in doing the work. So essentially he makes life difficult for us, using the excuse that it will be easier on the "bigger picture". I was angry at the committee for their silence, and the chairperson, for not reigning in the meeting , and making a decision.  My team, could sense the anger boiling beneath my surface and I was thinking alot of "not so nice things" I could do to this person. I went back praying to overcome this, for directions ,for guidance, and the graces to forgive.

 

I was still fuming the next day, even when I met with my team mates. Then when sending on of my team mates to the LRT station to catch the last train back , she shared a meditation on that day's reading. The coincedence of the day's reading and sharing was unbelievable, and it spoke directly to my heart, to what I was feeling and what I should do. He died on the Cross , so that our sins could be forgiven, Can't I simply forgive for such a simple matter...

 

 - Matthew 5:20-26

"At first glance, Jesus’ words about anger seem very harsh. Surely he wouldn’t put my anger on the same level as murder! Wouldn’t he understand if I received Communion today, but put off reconciling with my brother or sister for a while longer?

For the answer, we have to take a good look inside our hearts. Anger is a normal human emotion, but as with all other emotions, we should never let it control our thoughts and actions. Just a brief look at the consequences of unchecked anger shows us how destructive it can be: domestic abuse, divorce, road rage, rape, and murder. Even hidden anger can be deadly. Concealed beneath the façade of a smile and a pleasant demeanor, it can lead to patterns of pride, jealousy, judgment, and gossip.

We can’t afford to overlook the resentments, judgments, or criticisms we may be holding against other people. We can try to keep these feelings within us and even dismiss them as not really threatening anyone. But sooner or later, we will have to deal with them, even if the person against whom we have these feelings has long left our lives. The anger we have ignored can be like a poison meant for someone else—which we’ve swallowed ourselves! This poison of bitterness and hostility can cast a shadow over us, contaminating our relationships, and even becoming the darkened lenses through which we view the whole world.

Jesus is very clear about asking us to reconcile with one another. He is the God of peace, and he wants us to bring that peace to others (Philippians 4:9). As we let the Holy Spirit work in us, healing us and resolving our inner conflicts, we will find it easier to live in harmony with everyone, even those who have hurt us in the past. Consider eleven-year-old Maria Goretti, who had this to say about her assailant as she lay dying: “May God forgive him! I want him in heaven!” Such mercy and passion is possible only with the grace of God. So if you need help forgiving someone, turn to the One who died so that you yourself might be forgiven!

“ ‘Lord, you have probed me and you know me!’ Shine your light into my heart, and show me where I am wounded by anger and resentment. Come, Holy Spirit, and burn away all bitterness in the fire of your love!”"

The Saints who inspire me

I suddenly felt an urge to write about this, and I have been reflecting on the people / saints that inspire me , especially in my journey of faith. I think I can say that there are 3 people / saints who inspire me greatly. These are the people who have selflessly served God, with such devoted faith.

 

1. St Francis of Assisi - He wasn't a simple man, but as a young men , he was filled with visions of splendor and glory, yet one day God touched him, and he became truly a man of God, giving up everything to follow Christ. He had the vision that he was to rebuild the Church. His life was one of great challenges, and he was a very passionate person, in his love and service to God, at times he was even spontaneous and brash , too spontaneous infact even to think of how he may have hurt his fellow followers. At that point in time, he could have been considered a rebel by the Church , with his unorthodox ways, yet God told him to rebuild the Church, and even the Pope received a vision , that Francis of Assisi was holding up the Church. For me, how he left his life, his spontaneity, his dedication and passion, and his brashness are and inspiration to me.

 

2. Mother Theresa - This woman, also started from a relatively wealthy family in India, eventually went to serve the poorest of the poor, Her life was dedicated in selfless service to God by service the marginalized even to her death. She never doubted God's calling, and even took it up with such passion and devotion. To me, she didn't just serve God, but she served His people, those that even the poor rejected. I am amaze at her devotion, selflessness and her wisdom in the service of God

 

3. Pope John Paul II  - To me, Pope John Paul II , is one of the greatest Pope, in his faith and his believe in human kind. He is widely considered the people's pope, and he worked tirelessly in reaching out to the Youths, to other religions, and to other Christian faiths, all in the hope to unite everyone to believe in God's love. Despite his illness, he continued working on these missions, reaching out to as many individual as possible. His work among the youths is a great inspiration to me.

 

Although Mother Theresa and Pope John Paul has yet to be canonised as Saints, I truly believe that they can be counted as one of the great Saints in heaven, praying for us.  I often think of them , and wonder how they have managed to carry the cross that was given to them. To me , they are an inspiration to be the Salt of the Earth and Light of the World.

 

 

It only takes a spark

A friend of mine once said, if you can even touch or influence one person to be better, and he/she can in turn touch/influence another, and on and on, you can see how many people you have influenced.

 

This song here holds special meaning for me

 

It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
Your spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

What a wonderous time is spring,
When all the tress are budding
The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming;
That's how it is with God's love,
Once you've experienced it.
You want to sing, it's fresh like spring,
You want to pass it on.

I wish for you my friend
This happiness that I've found;
You can depend on God
It matters not where you're bound,
I'll shout it from the mountain top
I want the world to know
The Lord of love has come to me
I want to pass it on.

I'll shout it from the mountain top
I want the world to know
The Lord of love has come to me
I want to pass it on.

God Speaks to Us

God often speaks to us when we least expect it (least of all in my Boss's
car ! ). I was flipping through the bible in my Boss's car on the way back
from lunch,admiring this really huge and heavy bible. And the first page
that opened was on Psalm 13. A striking message at the appropriate moment.

This is what Psalm 13 is about - In the face of despair

Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Pain and Suffering.

This was a reflection I had recently. Remember the last time you had a friend pour out your problems to you ? Remember how you felt ? How sad it was to listen to a good friend suffer so much ? How heart wrenching it was to listen to your friends problems, sorrows and pains ? How you wish you could reach out and solve all his/her problems ? And remember when you tried to help, but got brushed off even when he / she came to you to pour it all out ?

 

I was reflecting on this, on how painfull it was just to listen to one person pour out his / her grief, then it struck me , Imagine how Jesus must feel, when so many of us around the world go to him with our own personal problems. How sad He must be , to listen to each one of us, going to him with all our pain and suffering, asking for his help. Imagine the pain you felt when one friend poured out all his/her troubles to you, and multiply that by 5 billion  ! I know I won't be able to handle the grief ..

 

And even worse, how many times have we gone to Him for help, just to brush Him away , when he came to us. To knock at the doors of our hearts, and wanted to let us know he is there for us. To show how much he loves us, and we just ignore Him , yet still demand to know why He isn' there for us, just because we couldn't see him standing by our side. Imagine how much pain  he feels, standing by your side watching you suffer, wanting to help, but we refused it.

 

But the wonderful thing about Him is that despite the 5 billion people crying out to him , he has time for each and everyone of us. His Sacred Heart is filled with so much love, that he is able to handle all our grief . Despite our rejections, he is standing there by ourside, waiting for us to open the door to our hearts, to let the healing begin.

 

This was a really humbling reflection, to have the privilege of getting a glimpse of how much grief He listens to, and to realise that despite that huge amount of troubles that we bring to him, it is nothing compared to the love He has for us.

 

 

Passion Death and Resurrection

A friend of mine shared this with me last evening regarding the  Passion Death and Resurrection of Jesus. She said that Jesus gave us the ultimate example of  Passion Death and Resurrection, but in our every day life , we endure the process of Passion Death and Ressurection. In our every day challenges and trials, in everything we do, we live through the death , passion and resurrection . This is where in these challenges , we die, suffer through these challenges, till the point of death, and our survival through these challenges are our resurrection.

 

Like Jesus, the most important or joyous aspect is our resurrection, and likewise for us, it is how and if we resurrect is the most important aspect of our daily lives. For example, in our day to day life , where we go to work , and we're faced with the difficult challege such as work , personal life, church life and etc, we suffer through these challenges , often to the point where we feel no longer able to go through it anymore. But passing though this point, it is how we get through the death, and how we emerge from these challengse, and more importantly the person that we are , reborned so to speak is our resurrection.

 

It was quite a profound sharing. Something yet so simple, but meaningful.

 

What is the Calling?

What is my Calling ? What do You want me to be?

I am a mere mortal soul,How can I be of any use?

I am a sinner, yet You have given me so much.

How can I repay your love ?

 

I offer my life as Your instrument.

This humble life you have given me.

I bear few gifts, and even then they were given to me from You.

I want to use these gifts, to love and serve You.

 

I am your instrument, use me as You will,

How will You use me ? I say I leave it to you.

I hear the calling of your voice

Yet I am torn in my heart

 

I see the path You want me to take,

But I lack the faith to follow it.

I ask for signs, to let me know Your will ,

But fear strikes my heart, blinding me from You.  

 

I offer my life as an instrument,

My heart yearns for it.

Yet it is the same heart, that holds me back.

I am afraid, I do not know what to do.

I lack the faith, to answer You.

 

So many questions lie in my head,

I wish someone could guide me....

I honestly do not know what to do.

Lord please give me a guiding path.

 

How could You have chosen me ?

For all my sins and failings.

Isn't there others better then me ?

That can do a better deed

 

 

Miracle Cure?

It has been some time that I have posted anything here, but I am proud to say that I've been keeping up with my prayer life. An alarm set on my mobile phoone will remind me of the Divine hour , 3 pm everyday , and if possible , I will say a short prayer, typically thanking God for his Infinite and Divine Mercy , as well as to remember people who asked me to pray for them .

 

One thing that I asked in my prayers, I would say has been granted , through his Divine Mercy .I sprained my thumb a week ago , no idea how. Doctor's weren't sure on it, and I was ready to see a hand specialist. My GP prescribed an anti inflamatory drug, which I was suppose to take twice a day. It was also an analgelsic i.e. a pain killer. However the pain continue to escalate , and using my thumb was painful to the point, that I couldn't even write properly. I decided that I will also ask God for his help.

 

In about a day after that, while driving down to Singapore, the pain started reducing. Although I was on medication for about 1 day, it was not working at all, and in fact it was getting more painful. I had forgotten to take my 2nd dose for the day , before I started my journey to Singapore. However as I drove down the highway, I noticed that my pain was getting less and less. By the time I reached Singapore, the pain was negligible and I had full use of my hand again.

 

I cannot attribute the recovery to the medication, and I doubt it healed itself, as the pain was very intense, hence a conclusion that it was through divine intervention. A small miracle, but nevertheless a miracle, which I shall attribute to Him.

 

As my circle of friends in church grows, I have been getting prayer request. For the sake of their privacy , I shall refrain from using their names. Some of them are

 

1. A friend who was going to have surgery this week, and next month.

2. A friend who is looking for a good job.

3. Choice Weekends in KL, Kuching and Penang.

 

I too have my personal prayer request, and that is for Unity, Understanding and reconciliation in my family. A family feud has driven 3 of my sisters to the point where they are not able to speak to one another. A sad event, for my family, especially when my father raised us to put family first. Please pray for reconciliation in my family. The breaking down of barriers of anger, hate, resentment, pride and self pity.

Easter - 2007

Saturday's Easter Vigil marked the culmination of the Holy Week, with christians celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus. From the darkness of the tomb to the light , He has risen to set us free. The resurrected Christ has defeated death and has won for us abundant mercy from his Father.  As Easter Ends, I am now journeying through the Novena of Divine Mercy .

 

The Novena of Divine Mercy is a 9 day Novena with a short prayer. Each day, a special group of people are offered to Jesus for his Mercy. The Divine mercy also has a chaplet , which implores our God for mercy in Jesus' name. Although i have not been able to say the Novena and the Chaplet at the prescribe time, I do try to say it at the end of the day.

 

This Easter has been one of the most spiritual of all Easter's I've experienced. One thing I have noticed is that , the more I offer as penance and sacrifice during Lent, the more I truly enjoy the Easter celebrations. This year, for personal reasons, for Choice , and for my family, I decided on a number of sacrifices i.e. Catholic Fasting, Abstenance from Meat, and to try and attend morning mass.

 

Maintaining this sacrifices have not been easy, and I was not 100% diligent. I managed to attend morning mass at least once a week, sometimes twice. Fasting was difficult especially during the Chinese New Year Period , and during weekends ( so I normally let myself off the hook). Abstinance was the easiest as I have been doing this in the past 2 easters. There was alot more prayers done during this easter, and overall it was a very spirtually fulfilling exercise. A wonderful part, is 2 colleagues have already said they'll join me next year for my lenten sacrifice.

 

Reaching towards the Holy Week, the lenten sacrifices certainly help me prepare myself to truly appreciate this celebration. This easter end up to be one of the most emotional and spiritually challenging one. Maundy Thursday was especially an emotional roller coaster for me, to reflect that someone was to suffer brutally at me. With the wrath and anger of hell lashing out at Him. And to know I can never repay His love and sacrifice. 

 

I would say this Lent and Easter has been wonderful , and I would definately repeat it. For next Lent, I will incorporate prayers, during the weekdays, as I am already skipping lunch.

 

 

Good Friday

Today is the Passion of our Lord. HIs passion for us, to have died on the cross, at the very hands of his own people.Good Friday is one of the most holy days in the church's liturgical calendar, yet sadly Malaysia doesn't recognize it to be a public holiday. Yet, work is no excuse that I cannot worship my God.

 

It was a solemn day and my mood reflected it. While I didn't feel depresed, I felt down to earth, knowing that something serious and mysterious was at work . I realised it was the day that my God died for me. How many people can say that they know someone who died for them , and to me I feel so blessed and honored that I have know someone who has died for me. And He isn't any ordinary person, but he was the Son of my God. The thought of this is mind boggling and so humbling.

 

In the afternoon i decided to recite the rosary, meditating on the Sorrowful mysteries. I used my Choice Spiritual booklet's reflection , and it struck me so deeply, the suffering that Jesus went through. The pain , that he faced, at the hands of his own people, in front of his Mother. And once again it was for me. As I read the reflection, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I believe this is the first time , I've said the rosary in tears. As it was also the start of the feast / novena of Divine Mercy, I decided to say the chaplet of divine mercy and to novena of divine mercy. Through His Grace, I hope that I can finish the Novena of Divine Mercy .

 

Good Friday services, was a solemen affair in church. I was surprised our crucifix wasn't covered in purple clothe, I guess it was taken down after the Chinese Mass at 3 pm .I've lost count of how many times i've said thank you , and yet i feel it isn't enough.

 

 

Maundy Thursday

Yesterday was Maundy Thursday, where Catholics around the world commemorated the Last Supper. 2 factors of mass was the Washing of the feet and moving the Blessed Sacrament to the Repositorium.

 

This Easter is an emotional roller coaster for me. I was choking up during Maundy Thursday Mass but managed to control myself. I went for dinner with a few of my CHOICE KL friends @ Strawberry Cafe in Section 5, PJ. After which I went to SFX for Adoration of the blessed Sacrament. I enjoyed the adoration at SFX as it was a silent adoration and I could sit  to contemplate and pray.

 

This adoration was beautiful for me. I decided to use the Jesuit's meditation, and bring myself in to the Garden of Gethsamene . There I was in this Garden , and I saw Jesus praying there earnestly, while his disciples were sleeping. I could see myself sitting next to him, asking him if I could pray with him , and to hold his hand. I was able to talk to him , ask him questions, and despite his worries, he could still take the time to talk to me. It was beautiful.

 

While driving home, and reflecting, I thought back to my a weekend retreat I attended, especially the reconcilliation part, and I suddenly started crying in the car. To know that he suffered and died for specially for us. He went through the torture, torment, humiliation, pain , all for our sins. He bears no ill will for going through all this, and He still loves us alot despite all this. Despite all the times we turn our back on Him, the times we forget Him, the times we hurt him with our Sins , our failings and our inactions, to know he still loves us and will always welcome us.

A Journey of Faith

This is the begining of my personal faith journal. I hope that I will be able to put down in words, the thoughts, feelings, emotions that I will encounter in my Journey of faith. In the past, my many attempts at blogging , diaries and journals have failed, but I pray that I will perserver with this faith journal .

With the grace of God and through the works of the Holy Spirit, I pray that I will be able to document my journey of faith.

I will never claim my faith is solid and unwavering. God knows the trials and temptations that I face in my everyday life, but I hope that this platform here will document these trials, tribulation, joys and tears that I encounter in this journey of mine.

I can only pray that my faith, my love and my devotion to God will nurture and grow, and I hope that by launching this site, on the Holy Week of Easter, is testimony to my commitment to this journal.